Motivational Writers with Beards

I am a long standing Spinal Tap fan and this is exactly why:

Michael Hogan sat down with the boys from Squatney and This Is Spinal Tap’s director, Marty DiBergi (who bears a striking resemblance to Rob Reiner), to talk about the anniversary, the new tour, and the triumphs and travails experienced by rockers of a certain age.

David and Nigel, how has your relationship developed in the 25 years since the film came out?

David St. Hubbins: Now that Jeanine is out of the picture, everything’s fine. He never got along with my ex.

Nigel Tufnel: Once they split, we got back together again.

St. Hubbins: We made a vow never to marry—not Nigel and myself, Jeanine and I—never to marry in a year with a nine in it. So we had to wait until the year 2000 anyway, and by that time we were so fucking sick of each other we had to move on.

Tufnel: Their breakup has been great for us, because I’ve seen him a bit more. My interests have changed. I’ve been breeding miniature horses. The very small ones, even smaller than the Mongolian horses, it turns out. And trying to find a business venture where I would race them. But I’m trying to find jockeys that are basically 26, 28 inches tall—and that’s been a problem, actually.

How about the dwarves from the “Stonehenge” setup?

Tufnel: They’re way too big.… I don’t know the answer, but I was captivated by these little horses, they’re so sweet. They don’t run terribly fast … but from an environmental standpoint it’s great, because they’re using less of everything.

Derek Smalls: Well, it’s less horseshit.

Tufnel: Less horseshit. Less grass in the infield … Less dirt. Saddles are smaller—less leather. Less money, it turns out, because no one actually wants to see it. Less interest. It’s a less is more.

St. Hubbins: I’ve been managing acts. Actually, recently I was really excited by the success of some female tribute bands: AC/DShe and Lez Zeppelin. So I’ve gone out on the road with some bands, Girl Jam. And of course R.E.Emma­—very successful. And we’re branching out into the oldies field. Blood Sweat & Cramps. Manfried Woman. And I just made a deal with Alice Cooper. It’s called Jim Cooper

How do you stay relevant after all these years?

Smalls: We never were relevant. That’s the key.

St. Hubbins: We never had the pain of seeing relevance slip away from us.

Tufnel: You can’t chase relevance. You can’t be wed to it. You can’t look at it like a religion. If you look in the mirror and see it, you’ve made a mistake. That’s your first mistake.

What about groupies? What would you say is the average age of a Spinal Tap groupie in the year 2008?

Smalls: It’s not the age, it’s the circumference that’s worrying.

St. Hubbins: For some reason, because of a certain song, we do attract the larger south end.

Tufnel: Once in awhile there’s a granddaughter of someone from the original days, and that’s always interesting. The typical age: I would say between 50 and 70.

St. Hubbins: But we’re talking a young 70 and an old 50.

Tufnel: We have a code when we’re doing a show—backstage, if some women come back. We’ll look at each other, with a sly look, and David will say, “Six.” And that’s the number of teeth they might have.…

How come there has never been a Spinal Tap sex-tape scandal?

Tufnel: We tried. There was no interest.

What group that’s popular today reminds you of yourselves when you were the New Originals?

Smalls: We do. We really remind us of ourselves.

Tufnel: We have to, because no one else will.

St. Hubbins: But the great thing about the Internet—I’m sorry to bring it up—is every day a new group will appear and then disappear and never be heard from again. And I think it’s wonderful. That’s the way it should be.

Tufnel: That reminds me of us.

What about the look? Have you thought about updating your look—maybe getting a makeover for the new tour?

St. Hubbins: I actually grew this beard. I’ve authored a self-help book. And they won’t let you appear on the cover of a self-help book unless you have facial hair.… It’s called BYOM: Be Your Own Me. Don’t be my you. Be your own me. And also, don’t be so sad. That’s the main message: Don’t be sad. Take your sadness and shove it up your ass.

What would you say are the influences on the Spinal Tap sound?

Smalls: I would say that a great and unrecognized influence on our sound has been sonar. A lot of our records, if you have the right system, you can hear messages to marine creatures.

Can you explain the sponsorship strategy?

St. Hubbins: Desperation. Desperation. We are really looking for serious sponsorship. We want to make some profit this time.

Smalls: We want to be the most heavily sponsored group in the history of rock ’n’ roll. We don’t want there to be a single square centimeter of anything that is not covered by a sponsor.

St. Hubbins: We want to make nascar look like—

Smalls: The public library.

And that’s because?

Smalls: This is the new rock ’n’ roll. This is the new phase of rock ’n’ roll. It’s all for sale. Buy it.

Does that make you sad—a lost ideal of the 60s?

St. Hubbins: You know what you can do with your sadness. I’ve already told you.