Just a little something that put a smile on my face this morning:
December 24 HOURS - VANCOUVER
Not sure if your Christmas constitutes as "white trash?" Well, if the following description sounds remotely familiar, you might want to start saving up for that trailer home now.
You show up for Christmas dinner and ...
Your mom greets you with a warm, "Oh, I see you haven't made it to the gym in a while." That's when your brother chimes in with, "still single?" Judging by the lipstick on her teeth and the rum stains on his dollar-store Santa suit, the family has got a huge head-start on you. You feel the need to self-medicate ASAP.
Then your obese sister from the sticks shows up with her delinquent teenage daughter, who shows off her barbed wire tattoos, but tries in vain to hide her suspiciously protruding belly (a fact everyone will ignore till her water breaks six months later).
Your sister insists on asking everyone in the room if her Cotton Ginny jogging suit makes her look fat. Everyone stares at the floor in silence.
Awkward.
Later, your gay uncle shows up with his wife and "best friend" Tom.
At which point, your other uncle (a former regular on To Serve and Protect), starts making homophobic remarks. This is to deflect the attention from his own extramarital indiscretions ... with the nanny.
An old family friend joins the festivities. He brings his new girlfriend, which is enough for Grandma to launch into her "Chinese-people-can't-drive" rant. Grandma's never driven a day in her life and the girlfriend is Korean.
You try to cut her off, but she hits you back with her old standby, "Well, I'll be gone for good soon enough and then you won't have to listen to me ever again."
This is the first of many guilt trips she'll unleash before she eventually passes out from one too many G&Ts.
Speaking of which, it's time to top up your drink. But your mom intercepts. "Don't you think you've had enough," she says, slurring every word.
Brother escapes to the garage to smoke up.
Dinner's ready.
ADD nephew plays his Nintendo DS throughout the whole meal. Niece refuses to eat a single bite of Butterball without ketchup. She excuses herself to hack a butt.
In lieu of Grace, a fight breaks out about Linden being captain.
Grandma gets a second wind and threatens to bolt if there's no Stovetop Stuffing, so gay uncle and Tom volunteer to go to the store.
That's the last you'll see of them all night.
After dinner, your brother pins you down to the ground and lets one of his hot & steamy turkey specials rip right in your face.
Merry Christmas!
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